Random Philosophy

I have been thinking a great deal about the notion of time and how it rules over us. We are utterly obsessed with the notion of time. Who hasn’t heard phrases like “time heals all wounds” or “time goes by quickly when you are having fun” or “living one day at a time”? It bothers us so much because it is something that despite all of our efforts we cannot control. We can manage our time effectively but we cannot change the speed of time. Everyone from the Mayans to the Chinese has a theory on how we came to be into existence in relation to time but time is beyond our finite human comprehension. It continues to torture us and delight us. It is one of the things that can bring us both pain and pleasure in our existence.

 Some think time had no beginning others think time has always existed outside of the universe and that the notion is all in our head. Different theories on time and space continumum can support everything from the possibility of time travel to parallel universes. But one truth remains time whether real or not affects us and it moves in our experience whether it be slowly or quickly.

I guess the notion of time has hit me hard in the last couple of weeks as I anxiously await a vacation that cannot arrive soon enough and yet wish time froze as a monumental birthday approaches. But I cannot control time. Time will exist and move on at its mysterious pace regardless of what I do and how I choose to measure it. I cannot have time freeze in one area and move along in another. It exists beyond my control.

As I browse through old photographs and remember “good times” they seem to never been long enough and then bad times still linger on in present time affecting my future time. Time is my time’s worst enemy. I think, of course, of all the wasted time at least in my human notion of my existence. So much time that could have been spent doing something else. But if time is a space in my memory then there is nothing I can do about the past and time was spent in the way that it was meant to be spent because at the time I considered it to be the right way to spend my time.

What I am getting at is that I realize that time’s flow changes according to my perception and if that is the case then a few minutes of true bliss can be made longer by just wishing it to be so. I am determined to enjoy every second of my happy moments and sealing them in my memory so that they will forever be timeless. As I become older and in a sense more adept at managing time I hope to always remember that time is what I make of it, that its measure is a gift given to me by my creator so that I can lead a meaningful life. I will try not to stress about time’s pace or what has already taken place or will happen with time but instead focus on moving forward. When attempting to forget a past love I will not attempt to hurry time so as to forget because I will remember that at one point I struggled to keep that memory.

I am not saying that time shouldnt be managed and that we ought to exist simply at a whim floating in a timeless universe. God created the notion of time for a reason. It is a way to organize our world but we are not to be ruled by it in the way that we spent all our existence attempting to understand it. It has no beginning or end, it merely exists. Besides one day in our old age time may become muddled and memories will be the only thing we could make sense of. Spend time with your loved ones, spend time laughing and creating because if it is true that time moves at different paces wouldnt you want to spend it seconds full of joy rather than years of pain?

Lately i been contemplating the words i wrote a while back when i did not even know what love was but I could so beautifully captivate it and immortalize on paper. I wrote that “people want what they can’t have and when they achieved it they no longer pursue it.” The words are not unique to my thinking; of course, it has probably been said by many others before me in an infinite number of ways but it is the part about finally getting what you want and not pursuing it anymore that really gets to me. How many times have I given up on many things that I wanted because I thought I could not have it or worse yet, deserve it? But how many times did i have it and somehow let it slip through my fingers and let it go? How many times have I given up on love and yet woken up another day to pursue it determined to have it? But also how many times have I pursued love only to find out it was in vain? One never knows whether to give up or keep trying. Unrequited love is of the worst kind not just because it is not corresponded but because of the amount of energy and time it takes to care for someone. Love is draining.  So not entirely feeling like unrequited love I sit wondering if and when it will be my turn. Everyone has a cure no one has a diagnosis. I found this poem that I must have written at a similar dark moment in life but considering i was 17 i am not entirely speaking from experience. It is certainly not my best work but it describes rather simply how i feel sometimes.

Why Should I?

If you don’t love me

why should I make it seem

as if every look you give me is a look of desire?

Why should I dedicate with tender words

a work of my imagination

and humiliate myself

while you do not notice my existence?

Why should I cry at night

because another day

was wasted in useless chatter

while you think about old loves

that you unwillingly wish to forget?

Because my heart is honest

It cannot bear to think that you are not for me

because I seem to lose all words when you are around me

because I try so hard so that you dont ignore me

and I cant change the fact that you don’t love me.

I fear love sometimes as i put it a few yrs ago “I fear the kiss that lives in limbo, the touch that will someday be.”

 Lately I have been wondering how my relationships with men have changed me. I realize that when it comes to guys I am a bit of a shapeshifter. It seems sometimes like I don’t have a true identity of my own but instead tend to mold myself around however I am with. I become interested in certain things or pick certain habits depending the kind of man I am dating. I dont think this is neccesarily a bad thing as I do think that dating different types of men for better or for worse made me the layered character than I am. But it is precisely this chameleon like quality that has left me wondering at times, what is the real me? Is the ever changing composite the “real” me or is there some other me that is now lost forever due to a jaded past? If i continue to be affected will I lose myself forever?  Sometimes I find myself doing something completely out of character and I wonder where did that come from?

I think a lot of us tend to adjust to our partners. As i said before this is not neccesarily a bad thing. Some of us could use a little depth but we have to be careful not to lose ourselves in the process. Though I have picked up some habits and then left them behind again somethings have stood with me forever. Some men however, damaging they might have been to my emotional stability have taught me important lessons that I would have never learned had i not come across them and for that I am thankful. I am thankful for their difference that has made me who i am today. So as usual with my posts I list a couple of these.

1. I went from pro palestine with one to pro-israel with another but in the end decided to be pro-peace.

2. I went from learning to love baseball to not watching it to appreciating it as an important american AND dominican sport which I will no longer lose sleep over.

3. I went from reckless indulgement in food with one to controlling every portion with another but in the end I learned there is a time for everthing.

4. I went from being being one of the guys with one to being a lady with another to in the end learned I can be both at times.

5. I copied the desire to travel from one and decided to travel to some of their countries of origin.

6. I became a bibliophile which did not last long but I did rediscover my passion for writing.

7. I learned it was ok to dance even if i didnt know how to.

8. I learned that it doesnt matter if i fit in as long as I realize I have the right to be somewhere.

9. I learned that going with the safe boring option is not always a bad thing.

10. I developed a serious passion for cooking.

11. I didnt curse at all with one, then cursed like a sailor with another to finally understand i should monitor my language but not beat myself up if i make a mistake.

12. I learned to appreciate independent movies.

13. I learned to appreciate traditions.

14. I learned that at least once a year I should set sometime apart for God for fasting and prayer.

15. Went to my first big concert and developed a taste for live music.

16. Learned to appreciate practical jokes and from another learn when not to play them.

and countless other things. The point is I am thankful for these experiences that I probably would never had had i not met these men. I am thankful for balance.

I cant sleep right now because I just read that we will no longer be able to serve breakfast in the local shelter we work with. I cant imagine what it feels like to go to bed hungry not out of choice but of neccesity. About a week ago I read about a food ban that Bloomberg had passed that will forbid shelters and other organizations who feed the homeless from receiving food donations. I thought that since we were serving healthy food we would not be turned away but apparently I was wrong. The reasoning behind it is fair which is that the DHS cannot assess the nutritional content of these foods. That is true and also likely that the food being donated is not of the most nutritious value. But I ask, what is the alternative? Is this initiative matched with increased funds to purchase “healthy” food? Whole wheat does not come cheap neither does organic products heck I cant even afford this at times. As a typical student in college i had to eat a whole lot of ramen and believe me I was not concerned with the extreme salt content of such a food. I figure I worry about being fat more than worrying about my stomach rumbling because I was starving. If there is not enough funding well then people will go hungry. Is it better that people starve or is it better than they eat a little bit of the wrong thing? I dont think when you are hungry you are terribly concerned with the calorie content of your food.

It is more than the fact that I see the smiles on peoples faces when we serve them at the shelter. It is also because growing up I was also sometimes on the receiving end. We went to church distribution programs too and were more than excited to pick up our free groceries. The cheese was greasy, the corn flakes were plain and the peanut butter was unsavory but it was free and we were grateful for the money it saved us and when supermarkets gave us the “good” kind of cereal and a few entenmanns treats it felt like christmas. It just brought a little joy to our lives. I would also say that in fact my favorite food (which many low income hispanic families can identify with) would never meet Mr. Bloomberg’s standards. You see when nothing else was available my mom made white rice with fried egg, a cheap but not exactly nutritious option. Even today when I have no money or when i simply feel like recalling old times I make this at home. So you see taking away these donations is not only taking food away from the tables of the people is also taking their joy away. Is like a small child playing with their Nintendo DS and then someone comes along with a SEGA genesis and you are not overjoyed but happy you have something then that child playing with the DS snatches it away and leaves you back with nothing. How can you snatch food from the poor when you are not willing to share your “quality” food with them?

The other thing that bothers me about the type of legislation is that it also affects the sense of community and cultural celebrations. A lot of these organizations use soup kitchens as a way to build community not neccesarily to feed “homeless” people. Some people come to these places just because they are alone and have no one to eat a meal with them. Taking away this mealtime particularly around the holidays is not only wrong but cruel it is also culturally insensisitive. Will you be telling Jewish organizations not to serve gelfite fish for the jewish holidays or have challah bread for special free shabbat dinners? Will the collard greens, macaroni and cheese be outlawed at a predominantly african american church meal?

Mayor Bloomberg has simply gone to far. Yes, we all realize that americans are overweight, yes we realize we eat too many trans fats, salt and sugar but mandatory restrictions will not make any significant changes.Restrictions such as the future salt ban which forbids restaurants from using salt in their products are not going to make a difference. Instead it will piss people off(for sure it will piss me off if the food is tasteless).  People will still eat crap if you don’t educate them to eat better. It is up to the individual to make that choice. If the healthy food is still expensive how do you expect people to make healthy choices when you bombard them with fast food advertisements? When you make it impossible to buy fresh vegetables at a reasonable price and when you dont provide classes on nutrition to teach people the importance of eating better? We are starting with the nations poor but we are not providing them with alternatives to make better choices.

Is like right now bloomberg is telling us Let them eat cake…except it is not entemanns so I don’t want it. I am telling your personal chef mr. mayor to stop putting sugar in your coffee or better yet eliminate all carbs, we should even let you have bananas…better yet since we are forcing everyone to eat better in this new york city dictatorship you are running why dont we take away desk chairs so people can work on their quads while at work? God knows we all need to exercise more. Let us have mandatory sleep monotoring to make sure we are all sleeping enough since we cannot make any decisions by ourselves apparently. Someday you will have the perfectly fit city of your dreams where no one is fine but for now don’t mess with my morning bagel!